Dhaka Mixed Hash Trash

Run # 1159. 22^nd May 2004. 43 hashers.  69 minutes.

Hares: Little Big Horn (of course), Itchy Bum, Challenger, Penis, Cellmate. Returnee: Boring. Visitor: Shit-hole. Leaver:.Arse Warmer (permanent), Bozo the Clown, Warm and Fluffy. Certifiable: Slippery Arse (25 runs).

Rendezvous: Little Italy, 5pm. GGeemmiinnii Run.

The Run: The run was A to B and 9.04km according to BigMac and his pedometer. Steroid will calibrate and confirm accuracy next week with his GPS.

Over the road from LI and into brickfields that hadn’t yet been flooded. Damp enough to not kick up dust and (mostly) not get bogged down. Tall Man led the pack to the first check, showing his newly learned skill of actually following the paper after Bozo took a wrong turn. After that it was pretty much Esben the bearded Swede that took the lead, though often disappearing into the wide grey yonder without paper or passing a check or false trail sign as he was unable to read the runes.

A check by a pond had a dead body floating. A  big bloated monitor lizard belly up to the flies. WAF the flash got it. The trail led very clearly to the left and south from here but it turned out to be the work of resourcefully roguish rascals rather than hares. We went on harely advice the other way. On and on west past the chicken farm with its associated odour and temptations (for Chicken Fucker). Paperless over the causeway but kids giving us advice to spur us on. A false trail from the next check and when we saw Tall Man on the correct trail Tarzan Boy took the shortest diagonal towards him, hotly pursued by Warm and Fluffy who maybe should be renamed Jane. We arrived to find Tall man involved in a cricket match and Cellmate the walking hare skulking in the shadows taking pictures of us. The other walkers waited for us at the check and waited for us to find the trail. Stupid hares called us back from the right way (they have their lame excuses) and so we ended up like a flock of headless chickens before following them. We did not manage to maintain the usual air of decorum in front of the walkers.

Plenty of bamboo from now on and we ducked and weaved our way through, passing the occasional residence in the woods.

Spot the difference.

I took a diagonal from the real trail to the false trail through shit infested bamboo forest. I saw one of the biggest turds in my life. Like a pile of yellow Danish pastries but softer. Realising that I’d gone the wrong way I was pissed off but didn’t take that short cut back again.

Then there was a hasher out ahead. It wasn’t one of the usual FRBs but Jaffa who had ridden the truck to B and proceeded to run back to A. The tiring hashers now had a beacon to follow. Bozo warned him not to speak to anyone, so he ran off in the wrong direction to create a diversion and take away the advantage that we thought we had.

Next check or the one after was next to a big fence around a crop in a big deep hole. Its identity and potency was speculated on before we followed another false trail and came back.

Now the hares said it was on beer and not far to go. So Bozo took the opportunity to chase a Swede into the sunset while the rest of us followed the paper to the end. The walkers arrived a little later and Bozo a lot later.

The Walk: The walkers were on convoy to their start. We met them at about halfway where Cellmate skulked in the shadows taking photos of the coming runners and Bozo demonstrated how to pleasure oneself with plant parts.

There were a fair few cameras at hand it seems and Jack Fruit Cake used hers to make a small child cry – crushed in the crowd. The hares were damn useless and didn’t know where to go. Luckily the day was saved by Typhoon who showed them how it was done. And finally and bizarrely, 4 hashers were caught up in the string of an attack kite. You can read about the child abuse rumours in the Circle report.

Monitor Lizard

The Circle: I never saw such a lazy bunch, sat and lay around and Slippery Arse drank from his hat. Tall Man put his water everywhere but his mouth and Chicken Fucker lay on his back like a dead lizard. Eventually Itchy Bum got it all going after a pause for prayers.

Hares were berated W&F and Bozo are leaving for UK and Bangkok. Boring is back after two years. Arse Warmer is sodding off after 41 runs and got a certificate and mug. Finally IB warned people to iron their new T-shirt inside out before washing it, don’t wash in hot water, hand wash it and I presume don’t even think about hashing in it.

Bozo the Clown, RA, came in to warn the slow of thinking of us to take off the shirt before ironing. ItchyBum got DD-1 to “Un-American Instructions”.

Rocks Off, Bald Member and Challenger since BM recoreded that Ch called RO Hali Beri last week. DD to “Masturbatory Illusions”.

Vivian picked up a small child on the walk and is reputed to have had a quick under-lungi check and so got a DD as the “Child Molester”.

Not British

W&F, Cellmate, KFC,BigMac,BaldMember, Slippery Arse + Bozo are not Brits having come from other countries. DD to the “Not British”.

Running hares IB, LBH and Challenger were then put on their knees for deliberately and maliciously losing the poor RA. “Useless Hares”.

Jaffa look-alike Camel Jockey and Bodil combined for a DD to the missing Jaffa who had started at B. “Jaffa the Complete Fuckwit”.

KFC was called in for not sweating. One thing that Challenger claims that she has in common with Eskimos that have no sweat glands. Arse Warmer said she don’t sweat much for a fat lass and so got a DD as he apologised. “Apologetic Gentleman”. Then back to KFC, joined by KVKC for DDs to the “Sweatless Ones and Initial Sharers”.

Slippery Arse recognised bullshit when he heard it and knows that its dogs that pant, not Eskimos. Challenger’s bluff was called and there was a DD to the “Successfully Challenged”.

Bozo’s Scandahooligan friend Esben was next in the circle for leading the RA on a tour of Ashulia, Savar EPZ and beyond. The hares had already been punished so Penis was found responsible for not inducting him properly into the customs. He had no idea what the signs meant. It was asked who would be stupid enough to follow someone like that – a question conveniently overlooked. DD to “Elementary Hashers”.

Tarzan Boy has been AWOL for a few weeks and so stories have been invented about his whereabouts. Molesting jackfruits that he had found to be mighty tasty during his tree-climbing exploits was the assumption. Avoid the ones with the wholes is the advice to be taken. DD to the “Jackfruit Scenario”.

Itchy Bum was back and called in all the Geminis. IB,BigMac, Challenger, Cellmate,LBH, Jill, and a white-haired bloke.

Announcements: Thursday June 3^rd evening, Red Dress Run from club to club. Register by June 1^st. 300 Taka for dress, drinks and snacks.

Dhaka Stage not on tonight due to security reasons.

Maputo Hash in Mozambique is having its 1000^th hash in June, so if you happen to be passing…. (see BigMac).

Tall Man announced next week’s run that will be on convoy from Bata Shoe Factory at 4pm (29^th May). Typhoon said that it is a Wirtual Paksey Bridge Hash in wirgin territory. A to A followed by a BBQ.