Bangladesh Nash Hash
Cox’ Bazaar
9, 10 & 11 February 06
HASH TRASH
www.bdhash.com
The Cast: AliBarber, AliWankBonk, AllBlack, Anna, BabyBear, BozoTheClown, Can’tPull, Challenger, MaryPoppins, CrustyLobster, Deportee, Ferret, Finn, FoxyRunner, Geli, GoatF**ker, Goldilocks, GooseBumby, Gorf, Jim, KBKC, LBH, LittleJohnny, MintyHole, Ophelia, Penís, PubicHare, SarahB, SarahD, Steroid, Sucker, TrekOrTreat, UppaNotch, Warm&Fluffy, WebFart.
The Location: Lonely Planet tells us that Cox’s Bazaar: “is disappointing if you’re expecting another Goa. The centre of town is a grubby mess, the area is being carelessly overdeveloped, the sea is murky, there are criminal elements to watch out for and even the vast and magnificent beach can become overcrowded. On the other hand….alcohol is available”; so where better for the 7th Bangladesh Nash Hash to take place!
The Journey to CB: Wednesday evening, Gulshan 5.45pm and a crowd of impatient hashers were already cursing the organisers as the promised bus had not yet appeared. Lack of patience and abuse was rewarded however as a very shiny Green Line bus rolled to a stop just before the BAGHA club turning, and bus heroes Penís and WebFart climbed down like Extra Terrestrial’s in search of life-forms to transport back to their own planet (phone home).
Chaos ensued as everyone tried to pile their bags inside the luggage-hold all at once; even our Hash Mistress got herself caught up in the rush and found herself packed in next to the hash beer (or was she there voluntarily??).
Eventually the Hash’s own ‘king of packing’, Can’tPull and his trusty sidekick Deportee stepped in and applied their removal-man expertise to the situation. The hold finally bulged satisfyingly with crates of beer, whilst more found its way onto the bus, along with 32 hashers.
A roll-call by Warm&Fluffy (repeated 18 times until BozoTheSmart-Arse shut the f**k up) ensured that all were aboard, and then it was time to leave; on on Cox’s Bazaar…
Reassured that we’d be in CB by 2am, even allowing for Jatrabari traffic, a dinner stop and a few piss stops, hashers settled back and got down to the business of drinking. 10 piss-stops later (no bladder control) we arrived at ‘Vita-Village’ where we discovered that chaos had not abandoned us as our 30 minute dinner stop became an hour and a half; a few hashers tried to do a runner after eating leaving Geli to pick up the unpaid bills!
Finally back on the road and a few hashers tried to settle down to sleep – leaving the rest of us to make sure that they failed! Party on.
Having threatened the driver on pain of spending the weekend with WebFart, he drove at a normal speed along the Dhaka-Chittagong highway. He was so careful that it was almost 12hours later that we rocked up at the Hash Hotel, the Shaibal in CB and disgorged ourselves out onto its nice clean and tidy porch.
Nash Hash Day 1: On pain of wrath of Penís and Warm&Fluffy voluntarily the hashers gave a hand with unloading the beer and water and other stuff before crawling off to their beds – only a couple of hours until breakfast and the chance for those lucky hares to go out and set the first couple of hashes!
For those lazy and/or sensible enough to avoid being hares there was a chance to lie-in, chill out on the beach and eat fish and chips for lunch. Hares who’d been out setting or reconnoitring the weekend’s hashes reappeared in time for the leftovers, looking somewhat worse for wear (what sleep?), but there was little time to rest as 3.30pm arrived and it was time to gather on the hotel porch and register for the first hash.
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Run no: 1260, date:9th February 2006;
Location: Hotel to Hotel, # hashers: 34;
Duration: 80mins, distance: 10km;
Hares: MintyHole, Deportee, LittleJohnny;
Virgins: Ophelia, SarahB;
Returnees: Steroid, Jim.
Our hosts were the men’s Monday hash (so said Minty) before we set off from the hotel doorstep towards the road; no walking hare and no holding checks! Virgin Ophelia and a few other walkers looked mortified. Veering off around the far side of the pond we found ourselves running between avenues of palm trees – very nice – and as we headed away from the road and towards the beach we then found ourselves on a rubbish tip – not so nice. With the ocean never more than a few hundred metres away, hares persisted in leading us across drainage ditches, over rickety footbridges and through the backyards and bamboo shacks of the locals – just like Bashundhara really!
A loop around past the airport proved that you don’t have to sit in a bus for 12 hours to get to CB; a few final twists and turns through the bustees led us into the pinewood forests skirting the beach; a plough across dry sand to the wet of the shoreline assured the ingress of sand into shoes; then finally we were on the beach a long way from the B-point.
By this time in true pied piper fashion we’d acquired an entourage of local kids who were determined to follow us, hold our hands or, as in the case of AllBlack, beat us with wooden switches (what did she say to them).
A slow jog back along the beach, dodging small children, led us to our hotel’s own private footpath walkway and we were eventually back at the hotel and ready for the first circle, hosted by the mens’ Hash Master FoxyRunner.
The Circle: waving his baton like an orchestra conductor, Foxy wielded his authority, called us to order and called in the hares to take some abuse for a 10km, 80min exhausting run with no walking hare.
Ourvirgins were introduced: Ophelia – missing, presumed lost – and SarahB from the UK - a newcomer at the British High Commission in Dhaka. Although it was debateable whether anyone can be a returnee on the Nash Hash, both Jim (Nepal) and Steroid (Sri Lanka) were welcomed back.
Religious Advice from a virgin-RA GoatF**ker started with an admonishment of Sucker and LittleJohnny for keeping everyone awake on the bus on the journey from Dhaka: ‘loud-mouthed gob-shites’. Unpleasant smells and conversations about British beer earned Gorf a down down (DD), then there was another for LittleJohnny and Sucker, along with Anna, for their appalling singing on the bus: ‘bleeding ears’.
All Danes present – i.e. Finn - were asked to declare themselves, to help account for the recent publication in Denmark of cartoon images of the prophet Mohammed. Steroid,Gorf, Foxy and AllBlack were all invited to join the ‘infidel dog’ as their home-countries had decided to reprint the cartoons. For some reason both Swedish AliWankBonk and Anna were also asked to join the growing ranks of infidels, although Sweden as yet had not published anything. A DD to the ‘hashed and dangerous’.
More Religious Advice from KBKC, whilst wearing what Bozo took to be his wife’s sari. A DD therefore to Bozo the ‘modern artist’ for having no idea about unisex clothing; ‘looks like Pollocks’, so says Bozo. Complaints by hashers for 10hrs and no sleep on the bus, earned LBH a DD to ‘time and space calculator’.
Considering time and space, a particularly long list of misdemeanours were then recounted at length by KBKC, so rather than repeat them here (hearing them once was painful enough) we shall play a game of ‘match the misdemeanour’:
Culprit Misdemeanour
Minty couldn’t hear
Foxy mismanagement
PubicHare long distance thinker
Anna emergence of Mother Theresa
Can’tPull emergence of a king
Deportee the misfire
Finn stripper
Goldilocks role model
BabyBear shooting club member
Geli undecided
Penís sand dunes
WebFart & AliBarber no idea
Warm&Fluffy come and go
A rendition of ‘roll back my foreskin…’ helped to break the monotony, and by which WebFart revealed his knowledge of all 10 verses (well all 3, but time and space no longer had any meaning to this scribe).
Back to the Foxy GM who asked us to name a famous person born on 9th February, by which he meant hashie birthday to Can’tPull. A few announcements followed after which we disbanded to prepare for our first night of hashing entertainment (or an early night, whichever was highest on the priority list).
First night: An evening of food and hash songs in the Shaibal restaurant was concluded with a special birthday celebration and much cake-eating for BozoTheClown (4th Feb) and Can’tPull (9th Feb).
Those with enough energy left to find their way back to their bedrooms went to sleep. Those with enough energy and enough alcohol dropped in at WebFart and Warm&Fluffy’s ‘Royal Suite’ for more eating and drinking in preparation for the next day’s hashing (and drinking).
Nash Hash Day 2: carbohydrate-loading at breakfast, to make sure we all had enough energy for a double-dose of hashing.
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Run no: 1261, date:10th February 2006;
Location:MaheshkhaliIsland, # hashers: 35;
Duration: 90mins boat to boat, distance: 7.9km, Hares: Penís, Warm&Fluffy, Challenger, PubicHare, WebFart;
Certificates: Penís, Warm&Fluffy (100).
While Challenger and WebFart headed out early to negotiate the morning’s transport, the rest of us rendezvoused at 9.30am on the hotel porch, donning the first t-shirt of the hash: a special for Penis and Warm&Fluffy.
Hashers waited until the 5th hare, PubicHare, decided to make an appearance, but fruitfully filled their time with a warm-up to the tune of ‘Father Abraham’ as led by BozoTC; then the adventures began.
First of all we organised our rickshaw convoy to the ghat where we met a couple of over-stressed hares holding desperately onto our morning boat-ride to the island.
With hashers distributed amongst the speedboats, we took to the open sea and headed west. No sooner had we arrived at the Island and put our feet on dry land we were on on along the jetty…until we reached our first check beside the racks of drying fish. The chance was taken for a fishy group photo (not something you see everyday in Dhaka), then runners were told to check it out – and headed straight out along the first falsie of the day!
Back to the check and on on in the other direction took us through a busy town, through another checkpoint and off down another falsie. The hash turned tourist guide at the next check, next to a Buddhist temple, then another check saw a few FRB’s heading off in the wrong direction whilst the majority headed off towards the hills.
The trail led us cross-country and down another falsie or two, before we arrived at a flight of steps up (a big challenge for those of us who hadn’t seen a hill since Srimangal the previous year) to first a Hindu temple, then a Buddhist stupa at the top of the hill. An excellent photo opportunity and a chance for Bozo to tell us a bit of history about the temples and the hilltop, of cyclones, floods and woe.
Walkers stayed on to explore the temple hill, whilst runners were directed back down the steps and sent off in a new direction through the adjacent villages. A front running Deportee was the first to come across familiar paper as the runners found themselves back on the original trail – surely a major hash misdemeanour! As runners retraced their steps into town the walkers swept past on rickshaws (gathering up a few lazy-bastard hashers on the way), and all eventually met back at the ghat as the speedboats arrived to gather us up and whisk us back to the mainland.
A rickshaw ride later we were all back at the Hash Hotel where we circled-up in a shady spot on the lawn, where two huge chunks of ice and a gloating RA awaited us!
The Circle: Hash Mistress Penís started off by calling in her fellow hares for the first DD, quickly followed by another for her and Warm&Fluffy for ‘doing 100 on the Nash Hash’ so their t-shirts informed us. A 100 run Stein, full to the brim, was then handed to them and more pre-lunch beer was consumed by W&F, but mostly poured over her head by Penís.
Religious Advice from BozoTC, and he had plenty to give! Penís’ failure to drink her stein earned her a seat on the ice, alongside co-centenarian W&F. Ferret was brought in to give a DD demonstration, and was encouraged to take his time over it!
The previous day’s hares, MintyHole, Deportee and LittleJohnny, had managed to come all the way to Cox’s Bazaar only to set a trail with sand and bustees – just like Bashundhara; on ice with extra loading from SarahB (not a lot) and Goldilocks (a lot) and a DD for being ‘crap Monday night hares’.
A variety of local transport had taken us to and from the run this morning, so it was a miracle we had all survived! An irresponsible few (AliWankBonk, Goldilocks,Ferret) had been goading on the speedboats to race one another and generally disobey the rules of the sea – DD on ice of course (no-one was likely to escape it and there was enough to suit all sizes).
For some reason PubicHare decided to share cricket scores with us, so he went straight on the ice, with another block of ice and BabyBear on top; ‘spurious cricket scores’. No escape for PH yet – he was wearing new shoes (having left Dhaka without any) – but a pause to deride LittleJohnny for failing to climb the hill to the temple and instead sit smoking at the bottom begging for small change.
Challenger was invited to join PH on the ice having been spotted riding the back of a jeep during the run (unlike the RA who rode in a rickshaw!!); ‘jeep traveller’. Blatant crossing (or reuse to be technically correct) of the trail was obviously WebFart’s fault, so he was invited in to take his place on the ice….…oops, nearly forgot poor wee PubicHare with his frozen balls and ‘new shoes’.
A wake up call from Geli to get Sucker out for the previous night’s party, also woke up Bozo, so there was plenty of room on the ice for them. Sucker proceeded to wake everyone else. Plenty more room on the ice so Anna joined them, then Penís who actually mentioned that there was room for more, then SarahD and SarahB: DD for ‘lots of misdemeanours’.
Whilst setting the afternoon’s hash, co-hares Gorf, Jim and Can’tPull had all been running too fast for BozoTC (or perhaps he was too slow!?), so the now-vacant ice was offered up to their arses. With so many nationalities to choose from it was impossible to pick one song, so we sang a medley (and it took ages).
The previous day’s virgin RA GoatF**ker was in need of an acquaintance with ice, with AliWankBonk to keep him company along with wannabe RA AllBlack (does she?), men’s hash GM Foxy and KBKC; ‘various assorted people sitting on ice’.
Now everybody wanted a go on the ice: CrustyLobster, Steroid, UppaNotch, LBH; ‘ice sitters’. The RA had become unstoppable…reminding us of the previous day’s terrible striptease by Finn the comic strip Dane – a name for the Dane: ‘ComicStripper’.
B
ack to HM Penís who, not wanting to tearBozo away from his beloved ice, ‘invited’ him to climb on – face down – whilst she did the announcements for the next day. WebFart added ‘gravitas’ by sitting on top of him.
T-shirts for the afternoon run were handed out and then on lunch.
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Run no: 1262, date:10th February 2006;
Location:KalatoliBeach, CB, # hashers: 35;
Duration: 60mins, Hares: BozoTheClown, Can’tPull, Gorf, GooseBumpy, AllBlack.
Slowly all hashers reappeared after their afternoon naps, wearing their special Nash Hash 2006 t-shirt (as designed by WebFart and sponsored by Homebound), for a 3.30pm rendezvous on the hotel porch. Buses awaited us and once we were all aboard a short drive took us to the start of town and deposited us by some steep looking hillocks. BozoTC warned us we’d need both hands free to negotiate our way, so bottles of water would have to be stuffed into the back of our shorts.
Walkers and runners headed on on up and over the first hill and soon realised that the hares had not been joking about keeping hands free.
The first check revealed a well-hidden scenic spot amongst rice paddies and surrounded by hills. Runners checking it out found false trails in all directions, especially on the uphill trails, but were eventually directed onto a weaving paddy-field path and over a ‘water feature’ (an irrigation pump doing its job) to the next check.
The next check divided us into those who go up and over hills (on the actual trail) and those cheating bastards who go around. Those who went up had to eventually come down, sliding through ‘cutty grass’ on their arses most of the way – cursing the cheating bastards as they went!
Hashers then followed paper down into a well-hidden away little river-gulley and along the river bed, before popping us out amongst a few houses and next to yet more paddies. A final weave through the fields and away from the hills, then the ocean opened up before us and we found ourselves on the beach and at the B-point.
A few hot and sweaty hashers quickly stripped (well, perhaps not completely) and headed straight out into the water for a cooling dip before the circle.
Circle on the beach: HM Penís called us back from beneath the waves for the circle, and invited the hares and their helpers in for the first DD.
RA WebFart started off with a review of Bozo’s words of wisdom at the start of the run about putting your water down your shorts. Well it turned out that we needed our arses as well! ‘Lying bastard’.
InDhaka it works when you step into the road and hold your hand up because the cars are going slowly. Foxy thought he’d test it out the quiet back-roads of Cox’s Bazaar; ‘Dhaka-style pedestrian’.
With no rest homes in Dhaka it seems that the oldies come on the hash: KBKC sat down for a break whilst AliBarber said ‘lets go round’. They are ‘hashers past their prime’. AliBarbar’s wife failed to show up, which must be a sign of why he’s tired; ‘afternoon shagger’.
‘Suck’ was written in the sand at our feet, so how is it Sucker can’t even spell hi own name – time to bring out the pipe for the DDs to encourage plenty of spilt beer. The next one to wear the pipe was LBH for tail-running without the excuse of shagging, but he managed to cheat his way to the beer so was brought back for another. Still no cigar as even with a piece of pipe on each hand he still managed to avoid his beer shower. Ferret, our demonstration drinker was brought in again to show us how to do it.
Bozo vs Goldilocks vs GoatF**ker were also brought in to show us how it was meant to be done; ‘demonstration drinkers reloaded’.
How is it that even when you hand out t-shirts before the run with time to get changed hashers still fail to put them on. CrustyLobster,Steroid, Ferret were all without the Nash Hash t-shirt, so DD to the ‘dress retards’.
Talking of dress retards, a DD for Minty for parading around his his skimpy swim trunks, and a thank you DD for Cant’Pull for being our t-shirt sponsor.
HeroCan’tPull: as WebFart almost lost it down a really steep hill he managed to save him even considering a ‘mismatched weight ratio’. Not so heroic FRB’s Challenger and Foxy actually chose to go around the hill.
Back to the HM, and some dinner and next day announcements before climbing back on the bus and heading out to the Hash Hotel with enough time for a quick snooze / swim / whatever before dinner – a BBQ on the lawn.
A bonfire on the beach to follow and a few campfire songs as led by Bozo and Steroid, helping to keep us amused (or awake) after a tiring day. A few energetic (drunk??) hashers managed to party on, fuelled by occasional vodka shots courtesy of LittleJohnny.
Nash Hash Day 3:
After a cup of tea and a slice of toast hashers assembled on the hotel balcony for a photo-op...
…then on the porch to register for the final ‘hangover’ run of the Nash Hash, with a promise of brunch and bloody mary’s to follow.
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Run no: 1263, date:11th February 2006;
Location: Cox’s Bazaar, # hashers: 34;
Duration: 50mins, Hares: TrekOrTreat, CrustyLobster, UppaNotch, Jim, BabyBear;
Leavers: Goldilocks, Steroid.
TrekOrTreat warned us that the paper would run out towards the end of the trail, so was his plan to get us all lost!
The trail led the runners out southwards from the hotel, past the public swimming pool and off across open grassland, avoiding galloping ponies as we went (except for LBH who tried to race against them). The walkers were seen making their own way in the wake of BabyBear.
After the quiet surroundings of the Hash Hotel, it was a shock to find ourselves amongst the holiday crowds as we ran through a couple of shopping arcades, then out onto the beach where the rows of sun-loungers looked very tempting to the wearier amongst us. At this point TrekOrTreat reminded us that there was limited paper – to avoid littering the beach so he claimed!
Resisting the urge to lie down, hashers ran on and on and on and on along the beach, dodging local tourists who tried to take their picture as they ran past, to a faraway check by the wooden shack on stilts, ‘Angel Drop’, a cool hangout joint as recommended by WebFart and Warm&Fluffy.
Now that we were as far away from the hotel as we could possibly be, the hares informed us that all we had to do now was run all the way back along the beach! Was there any other choice!!??
What felt like hours later (10 mins) hashers made it back to the pathway leading to the hotel where a forward thinking Geli had already arranged a supply of green coconut water to cool us down and prepare us for the final circle on the hotel lawn. Much to our amazement there was still some ice left over from the day before.
The last circle: our hosts for the morning were the full moon hash so there was no need to stand, and HM Penís sat back and enjoyed the show while WebFart did all the work (a rare event you may say!).
Hares drank a deserved DD, with spot-drinker AliBarber for BabyBear, then a DD for leavers Goldilocks and Steroid (who’d just arrived!).
Announcements preceded the Religious Advice from Bozo who then started out to tell us about a strange sight on the hash….when he spotted AliWankBonk’s t-shirt and sent him straight to the ice for causing so much offence.
Back to the strange sight which should never be seen again: AliBarber the ‘front running bastard’.
Whilst handing out beer GooseBumby gave Bozo an earful of his just deserves, but in doing so earned herself a seat on the ice, and a DD for ‘bad mouthing’.
AllBlack had almost suffered a terrible accident the night before, i.e. the loss of a thumb through entrapment by knicker elastic. All she’d wanted to do was nip behind a bush for a pee; ‘fast knicker puller’.
Not unsurprisingly Minty took a call during the circle – from a hasher looking for the Dhaka hash – then he received a miscall from Geli trying to get him in more trouble, so a DD and ice for both of them.
Bozo was not inspired by the sight of Gorf being an abusive Frenchman on the beach, so a DD and it gave us a chance to sing ‘A Frenchman went to the lavatory……ou est le papier’.
SarahB was congratulated for doing so well as a virgin the last few days, but now she’d spoilt it all be wearing a red t-shirt. She almost made up for it by simply pouring her DD all over her head.
A thank you for the team of Nash Hash organisers: WebFart, Penís, Warm&Fluffy, LBH, Sucker, Can’tPull – so what did Bozo do? The ‘organisers’.
A final few DDs to use up the extra ones poured by LBH:
- a ‘knackered old man’ Goldilocks who took permission to sit to mean that he could lie down,
- A colourful array of t-shirts drying in the sun on Bozo’s balcony were not convincing: the ‘obviously straight dresser’,
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a lost hash beer mug finally returned by Geli, the ‘irresponsible hasher’,
- a lack of paper even when the hares didn’t even put it on the beach – so why don’t the BHC give us paper any more. They’re not turning down enough visas! DD to SarahB, SarahD and GoatF**ker for their ‘liberal visa regime’,
- talking of straight dressing it was hard to miss WebFart’s colourful t-shirt, so a final icy DD to the ‘straight dresser reloaded’.
With another group of hotel guests on their way in, hashers were told to pack up and check out in the next 30mins, and be back ready to eat up and head out by 1pm.
A brunch of eggs, fruit, cutlets and club sandwiches awaited us in the restaurant, accompanied by special edition Gispert memorial mugs filled with bloody marys – one for each of us (except KBKC who’d failed to turn up), sponsored generously by Can’tPull and Homebound! A toast to Gispert.
With another Green Line bus awaiting us, our bags were packed, we were ready to go….not on a jet plane, leaving behind UppaNotch who had business in CB. Leftover beers and waters were collected then a final headcount (where was Faizi?) before it was on road for the return trip to Dhaka, only 11 hours away (taking into consideration the piss-stop every half hour to keep up with the beer drinking).
Once back in Gulshan it was amazing to see hashers disappear faster than you could say “Nash Hash 2006”, leaving only one car, 10 cases of beer and 3 cool-boxes to transport home. Resourceful as we are it was all soon worked out and the final goodbyes of the weekend were said – including some self-congratulation by the Nash Hash 2006 committee (“never again”)!
On on Nash Hash 2007!
On paper…
Warm&Fluffy
crowdaround@yahoo.co.uk