DHAKA MIXED HASH – RUN NO 1359			15^th September 2007
			Location: West of Ashulia
Where is Can’t Pull’s other hand?
Hares: Horse’s Arse, Bum Deal, Chicken Fucker, Pubic Hare & Webfart				Hashers: 48
Virgins: Shirley & Susanna				New Runner: Mark
Returnees: Doug				Leavers: none
Milestones: Horse’s Arse – 150 Runs, Webfart – 250 Runs, Dunny Gone – 50 Runs & Pubic Hare – 100 Runs
Picking their way through the Shiggy		The Run Since it was pissing down when we got to Little Italy, the checking in was conducted inside. T-shirts were nowhere to be seen other than on the backs of the Hares. Horse’s Arse seems to be a stickler for timekeeping, or was it because he knew how bloody long his run was and was worried about getting back to the On-In in time for Iftar. Whatever, he chivvied everyone out into the by now dry weather and on our way. We headed off on convoy just up the road to the bazar and then left down past all the factories to create our own little traffic jam at the familiar crossroads. A brief briefing told us that runners were heading north and walkers south which was a bit of a give away as to overall shape of the run. Also we were finishing at a brand new, never ever used before “B Point”. First paper was off up the asphalt road to the north. For some reason the first bit of the run isn’t too clear – it was a bit villagey and definitely shiggy-ish, as the photo, upper left, shows. Anyway we soon got out into a good mix of bamboo and open country. Paper was variable, depending on which Hare had laid which bit. Horse’s Arse is definitely Mr. Big Blobby and one of the others is Mr. Trickle (for those who remember the Mr Men). Either that or he had a leak in his bag which seems possible since paper appeared to have been laid directly out of some of the checks. One thing that did become apparent though – we need to keep an eye on Pickled Pussy. She was in some bamboo with Trick or Treat when a piece of bamboo caught him and whipped it out, apparently covering her with fluid. Overheard by most of the running pack was “Can you leave it in my mouth next time, Tom?” This was followed in about half a minute by “Oh, lookout! There’s another one going down!” It’s just amazing that she has the energy to run as well. Meanwhile Trick or Treat had backtracked to recover the bit of his camelback feed that had gone missing and we’d all ducked under yet another low-slung piece of bamboo. Pussy Pick up couldn’t care less as he was apparently in the bushes washing Geli’s legs. We continued on with the pack being kept very well together so there were hardly any long pauses at the checks. I did my best to lead everyone else astray by managing to check in the right direction only twice during the whole run. It was ok when we were out in the open fields but, as time dragged on, we returned to the bamboo and virtual darkness. Paper became almost invisible (irrelevant for those of us who rarely follow it anyway) and even when we were running “on Hare” we still managed to get lost. Eventually we made it to the hitherto unused B point – another restaurant about 100 metres along the road from Little Italy. Anyway it was a good run so well done to the Hares. Apparently the run was 7.5km long and took about 75 minutes. I’ve never looked at it this way before, but that’s a minute for every 100m. Watch out Tyson Gay – the Hash is catching up.
Someone was supposed to fall in
One of me, for a change
Warm & Fluffy crashes in the dark
Hares		The Circle So, on to the festivities. The GM is back, so there was a bit of discipline about. Eventually we all meandered inside in response to her calls, to continue to chat and indulge in the excellent Iftar snacks that had been provided. The Hares were soon called into the middle to a cacophony of noise. The circle couldn’t give a shit about the run, but where the f**k were the T-shirts? Slightly mollified by promises of “later” (as long as you were happy with a medium or smaller), the circle mumbled a few grudging words and the Hares were duly sung out. Virgins were Shirley & Susanna. Shirley’s from China and in the rag trade and Susanna’s yet another mobile phone consultant – this time the Nokia variety from Singapore. Welcome to the hash, girls. New Runner Mark is from Sydney and hash been hashing in KL. Not sure whether it was the Mother Hash or one of the others. Returnee Doug had been to Texas and Armenia. There then followed a glut of milestones, mostly for the Hares. Horse’s Arse has managed it 150 times, Webfart 250, Pubic Hare 100 and Dunny Gone a slightly less impressive 50 times. Since the certificates were all unsigned the GM has to have a public signing session in the middle of the circle – like she’s written a book or something? She was even so desperate for the limelight that she signed Webfart’s bum! With the formalities over, proceedings were handed over to stand in RA, Webfart. First to suffer the RA’s wrath was an innocent-looking Bum Deal. The RA obviously had spies in the Hare’s camp as this sin – a fairy straightforward case of child abuse – happened when they were setting the run (mind you, since Webfart was a Hare, there’s an outside chance he was there at the time). It was nothing nasty or sexual – just some good old-fashioned violence. The next down-down should have been for Sucker, but he was so ashamed of his sin that he didn’t even turn up. Sucker look-alike, Five-Year-Old-Shit, was called in so we could bemoan the fact that there were no fat-bastard T-shirts. The next down-down was for a job thoroughly done. Apparently the Hares, or at least Bum Deal and Horse’s Arse, insisted on doing 2 recces and holding 3 T-shirt design meetings. Apparently such attention to detail is a rarity in modern times. Ahhh, them were the days. There followed a series of minor sinners – Warm and Fluffy for a crash in the dark – giving up booze for Ramadan obviously has its effects as she’s not used to running sober; Pussy Pick-up (with Towed as the look-alike) for disappearing into the bushes with Geli to wash his legs; and Small Dick for going limp with Webfart at the back of the walking pack. Webfart had a prolonged conversation with himself at this point debating whether Small Dick was Small Dick or Short Dick. There followed one of those spontaneous chains of events that you get at On-Ins every now and again. With the discussion on Small Dick’s name (and attributes) being unresolved (in the mind of the RA at least) Blow Job was called in to pass her opinion (you will recall that last week she and Small Dick received a down-down for sex on the hash). However, as she came into the circle, she had a quick grope at Tina’s bum. The RA immediately cottoned on as to what was going on and dragged Tina into the circle for the ménage à trois with Small Dick. He then realised that Tina had no name and thought that it was about bloody time she got one. Little was offered in the way of choice and Tina became Ménage à Tina. The resident Hash Swede was puzzled. What, he enquired was a ménage à trois? On-in the three Frogs, to a chorus of où est le papier, to explain. Strangely enough, cunning linguists that the French are, they didn’t speak enough Swedish to enlighten the unfortunate Bjorn Again, so he remains blissfully ignorant. Did you know that a Swede is a large round root vegetable in England. The Scots call them neeps and bash them to eat with haggis. Announcements were a reminder that the Glitter Ball will be on 16^th so get orders for tickets in quick and: This week’s run is at 16.45, ISD, 22^nd September. On On, Towed
Virgins Shirley & Susanna
Wanking New Runner Mark
The sad, certified bastards
GM feels a write arse
Sucker look-alike
Ménage à Tina	So what do the French think they can tell a Swede about les ménages à trois?				Leg washer