DHAKA MIXED HASH – RUN NO 1423				9^th August 2008
Towed’s Birthday Run, On An Island South of Ashulia
Hatted Hashers at the start of the run
Hares: Lip Service, Cloth Balls, Tuneless Cow, Chaste Whore & Towed						Hashers: 58
Virgins: Jenny & Michelle Luby						Visitors: Mzungu ’98, Wayne
Leavers: Rocks Off	Returnees: Ménage a Tina, Blow Job, Green Peace, Penis, Challenger, Trek or Treat, Goose Bumpy, Pussy Pick Up, Pickled Pussy, Rail Jerker, Over Exposed
Uncertified Milestone: Hareless (3.5555556% record) Homeless
		The Run OK, let’s start with the questions for Hash Cash Tuneless Cow. Who the fuck is Green Peace? There is no record of any such Hasher on the stats. I suppose it could be the one my notes that I have down simply as Kiwi Sheep Shagger, (so it could be any one of a population of around 4.1 million, minus two ‘cos it wasn’t Groper or All Black). And how did she manage to miss a Hasher as impotent as Over Exposed off the list of returnees? Anyway, now that I’ve got that off my chest (and on to her much more substantial one) I’ll get on with the run narrative. At signing in, Lip Service ensured that all Hashers were issued with their chosen colour of party hat before we got off to a timely start, heading back down the road and off to the south through the bazar. Other than almost being left behind at a junction where I’d got down to guide the rest of the Hash to the run start, and the ensuing traffic jam inevitably caused by 30 cars descending on a single point on a three metre wide road, we got off to a good start. Despite the fact that they were supposed to be running, the runners gained little on the walkers for the first couple of checks, after which we went our separate ways – the walkers heading across the island whilst the runners continued more or less around the edge. This was not to be a water-free run, (so LBH managed to stay in his car), especially for the runners who had to cross back from a smaller island that they were to visit via a single pole bamboo bridge which Codpiece singularly failed to do. Pussy Pick Up couldn’t stand still long enough in the queue to cross, so he simply waded the thigh-deep crossing. After a lovely run out along the lakeside, the runners trail turned inland to a village and then on to a bridge across the end of a long inlet. Although the bridge was above water, the approach on the far side wasn’t, so there was a bit more wading to do. Nothing serious, but big wimps Geli and Bashir took a boat across whilst lesser men (and women) walked. The run then reversed a fair section of the trail set on Run 1399, picking up the walkers trail at the head of the valley with the big blue factory in it. If they thought it was going to be a dry run in from here, they were very much mistaken! Once we crossed the road, both runners and walkers had to negotiate a long loop to the north before swing round onto a path along the wrong side of the lake. I think Challenger and Pussy Pick Up, in their haste to get back to the beer (or natural instinct to run around like headless chickens, unable to see paper) managed to miss the turning across the bund and ended up swimming across the lake back to the On-In. Others managed to find their way. Best performance was from Anne Walton who, ignoring superb instructions from Towed, slid down the bank on her bum to find herself neck-deep in the cooling water. Then it was a casual stroll up through the squash fields and On-In to the beer.
Some make it across ……
… Codpiece doesn’t!
More wet bits
GM keeps her knickers dry
Magnificent Hares		The Circle It took the runners a fair while to come in after the walkers, and when they did it was from all sorts of different directions. However, all got back in due course and some even took time to change into drier clothes before diving into the beer. It is possible that, given my advancing years (nothing at all to do with the beers consumed before and after the run), I may not have total recall of the remaining events. However, I’ll give it my best shot and apologise if it is not quite as accurate as it could be. So first to the judgement of the Hares. As far as I’m aware, the accolades were many and bountiful, lavishing praise on the superb Hares for a fantastic run. Then it was the turn of the two lovely virgins Jenny and Michelle. Jenny seems to have something to do with a husband and AIS-D and was brought along by Goose Bumpy. Michelle, since she owns the same surname as Jenny, is clearly something to do with the same family and came the same way! Newcomers were Wayne and Mzungu ‘98, who has hashed in Dublin and Nairobi, or was possibly from Dublin. The ’98 presumably is a reference to her height in inches. This girl was only ankle deep in water at any time whereas Penis, who was brought in as a contrast to show just how short a short-arse can be, was in it over her waist! Wayne is from Melbourne and is working for a couple of weeks for the UN as a crime prevention strategist. I didn’t realise that crime was such a problem in the UN. Then it was the turn of the zillions of Returnees. With the exception of two, all were AIS-D teachers who had been away so long they’d forgotten what work is if, that is, they ever knew in the first place. The two others were Over Exposed who had been away suffering in Hawaii and, presumably, Green Peace who hadn’t been to somewhere in America. For some inexplicable reason, in the midst of all this we had a tit show from Penis. Maybe she hasn’t had them out in the fresh air whilst she’s been away and just felt the need arise. The only leaver was Rocks Off. After a couple of weeks of nookie with Blow Pipe, she’s off back to Oz, so was given the Oz song. Then Homeless was summoned in to receive his 225 Run certificate. But wait, Warm & Fluffy seems to have a problem (well, a problem other than Webfart). Homeless appears to have not achieved the necessary Haring record to be awarded this prestigious document. Yes indeed, examination of the stats revealed that he’s fallen short by 0.444% so the Draconian Duo shredded his certificate and doused him with water. Poor Homeless, distraught at this treatment, drops to his knees and begs forgiveness, but there’s no retreat from the Iron Maiden and so he must remain uncertified. As a contrast to Homeless, Motalib was then called in. Motalib has the best Haring record of any Hasher alive. The guy has probably Hared more runs than he’s been on, but the poor chap has yet to get a hash name. Today, however, Motalib did something worthy of being named. He’s possibly related to LBH as he clearly did not want to get his feet wet, so at the final water crossing he hung back until he thought no-one was looking and then took a run at it, clearing the 15 foot gap with ease and strolling up to join us. Webfart invited the circle to consider appropriate titles for a later vote and ceremony. Then he hauled me in for a quick Hashy Birthday song before charging Camel Jockey and Warm and Fluffy with sex on the Hash. Apparently this had been achieved without the use of an orange box or small step ladder and indeed, the two protagonists were invited to demonstrate the position adopted to the whole circle. It was then that the fatal flaw in technique was noticed (see photo). Lots of other down-downs followed: - Homeless again for a superb reflex response on collapsing unconscious somewhere – “get me a beer”! - Over Exposed for complaining that the Hares wouldn’t give clues as to which way the trail went (possibly because they didn’t know themselves) - Me again, blamed for something for which I was blameless - Geli and Bashir for taking a boat, - Lip Service for being a Photo Nazi, insisting that everyone strike poses for the Hash Flash - Tuneless Cow for getting wet when on the phone to Webfart about Hash mugs. Clearly she thought that she was talking to me! (or pretty much anyone else but Webfart). Then it was the turn of the two serious crashers, Anne and Codpiece, both of whom got a bit wetter than expected. Apparently Codpiece compounded the sin by belting herself over the back of the head with her water bottle. And finally, before Motalib was to become Motalib no more, Penis and Challenger were called in for conducting a conversation during the run about waxing, in which, according to my notes, the term “extra inch” was included. The mind boggles! And finally, suggestions of names for Motalib were called for. The choice came down to: - Motor Leap - Grim Leaper - Lick & Leap - Ditch Jumper and - Pole Vaulter. All in all, a pretty sad selection. Since Webfart was conduction the ceremony there was total confusion but, eventually, Pole Vaulter won the day. Then it was On-On to Little Italy for pizza and song On On Towed
Virgins
New Runners (and Penis)
Tit-show interlude
An absolutely distraught Homeless after being denied his certificate
Why Camels don’t have babies
The wet ones
What me – pose??			Pole Vaulter		Oh dear, did I really do that!!??